Asperger's, Frustration, and Depression; Feeling Lost in a World I Don't Belong In

Introduction

In a previous post, I talked about the feelings of anxiety and frustration that are common in individuals with Asperger's. In this post, I'm going to talk about another cause of frustration, anxiety, and ultimately, depression. In a study on autism and depression, the author notes that depression has been seen to affect as many as 30% of high functioning autistic people in small studies.

Social Pressure and Bullying at Work

As we have previously talked about, the personhood of the person with Asperger's is bound up with the Asperger's that they have. Now that we understand the connection between Asperger's and personhood, we can examine some of the problems that they face. For me, I face two main problems:

• People that are unfamiliar with my expectations and limitations in social environments
• Supervisors and Coworker's misunderstanding my strengths and weaknesses

Social Environments

People with Asperger's have different expectations in a social environment than NT's. We prefer communication that is honest, efficient, specific, and straightforward. This is very different than the NT preference for small talk, nuance, 'politeness,' and hierarchy. Most Aspie's evaluate people based on intelligence, and most social graces seem to Aspie's as a illogical waste of time. This causes Aspie's to seem rude and uncouth to many NT's... most neuro-typicals cannot handle our lack of pretense and nuance. For example:

I have several times been told something by a coworker that is a rude comment masked as a compliment. When I say so what your really saying is "... blah, blah... " they get defensive even though they won't deny it. I am amazed that they dare to say something so rude, and it is considered Ok because they mask it in something that sounds nice.   

I always wonder why it is Ok for one to say rude things if the statement is masked in the correct social statements. Strangely, to a neuro-typical, telling a the insult in a dishonest way somehow makes it less insulting. To me, the ultimate insult is to try to be dishonest with me;  to be dishonest with me is to assume that I am stupid, and this means that when someone behaves as the coworker in the above example, they have twice insulted me.

Many neuro-typicals are seemingly uncomfortable around people unlike themselves. Many of these people also seem to have trouble accepting that anyone is different than themselves. This is quite sad. I know that some people will find me upsetting even though I am just being "me", and am doing nothing wrong, rude, or uncouth. The Asperger's way of being is unsettling to them, and they will purposely make life difficult for me in an effort to make me "more normal" so that they don't have to be around someone different.

Because of the social pressures listed above, a person with Asperger's will often find it harder to fit in and succeed at gaining friends than other kids. This is most unfortunate, and yet people don't understand the "outbursts", "illogical frustrations", and depression?

Workplace Issues

What is it like to be a person with Asperger's at work? First of all, we need to understand that for the Aspie working hard does not always equal success; workplaces are socially and politically complex places. Often promotions and raises are more based on who is liked than on who is outstanding at there job. This means that for someone with Asperger's, the workplace success that they will experience is not intrinsically tied to the amount of effort that they put into their job. Like many things for the Asperger's adult, the fact that the amount of effort does not correlate with the amount of success, leads to a feeling of helplessness. Some adults with ASD will deal with this lack of control by becoming aggressive, angry, and obsessive; more commonly, they will deal with it by becoming withdrawn, a bit lazy, and passive.

Not only is achieving career success difficult for many autistic people, the success they experience is not intrinsically tied to the amount of their efforts.

It is not true however, that autistic people have trouble at work; they have trouble being successful in workplaces that they could never fit into. The workplace often is a place where the Aspie doesn't belong. He is judged by standards equal parts unfair and illogical.

The ideal job for the Aspie is one where they can apply some obsession to being better at their job than their peers. This however, does not always garner respect. I have often been better at my job than my peers and yet have taken flak because I am not as politically savy as others. As we have noted, some people do not like the honest, straight forward, and energetic way of the Aspie. We govern our lives by sometimes simplistic and naive logic, and workplaces often require the acceptance of obviously inferior ways of doing something simply because that is the "right" way to do it according to the company. Also, often doing things "by the books" is less respected than it "should" be; companies often reward shortcuts and doing things in a vaguely defined political ways instead of following policy and chain of command. This is difficult for the Aspie to master.

The role of a workplace mentor cannot be overstated. My workplace mentors have been invaluable to me, and I am lucky to have had several other minor mentors including a pervious supervisor that I connected with and that often understood me. If possible, connect with the person that seems like a good mentor. Often this person is not in management, is older and more experienced than you, and reaches out to you. This person often sees the honesty and technical potential of the Aspie and wants to reach out.

An Aspie needs to figure out early if he or she is introverted or extroverted, and whether his or her talents lie on the technical or the artistic spectrums. Most Aspies are introverted and technical, and many of these people will fit into the stereotypical fields of computers and technology that rely on strength of science and math expertice. In reality however, not all Apsies fit into the stereotypical math genius that does well with computers and likes to work alone. Some Aspies are extroverted, and many hate math. I have met many Aspies that are more artistic in nature than they are technical. Do not try to fit into a stereotype... go where you will succeed.

Another problem is workplace bullying. I can attest that this is a problem, and I have dealt with it for as long as I have been in the workplace. There is often a double standard for the Aspie; while coworkers can weasel their way out of 'murder' by kissing tail and political maneuvering when confronted about a fault I tend to be honest and generally take responsibility. This means I have often been punished for things that other people got away with. Secondly, As we have often said, some people simply do not like Aspies or see us as easy targets to take out their unhappiness on; because of this, we are often the victims of teasing, whispering, and grade school like bullying. Often this is stressful and frustrating, yet hard to prove. This makes it hard for us to prove to bosses that the abuse is occurring. Many times I have been told to suck it up and not being sensitive despite the abuse being real simply because the NT coworkers knew how much they could get away from. Yet another form of abuse is the 'good natured' teasing that gets old as I rarely know how to craft a zinger to send back that deflects the humor. Aspie humor is different than NT humor (yes we have humor) and I've more than once told a joke that no one else gets. This too is humiliating.

If your a boss and suspect or know that you have an Aspie working for you, remember a few key things. First of all, nurture the technical expertise of your employee. You have a potential expert on your hands, and experts of the depth that Aspies often become are rare to find. We often eat drink and sleep our business and can be the consummate professionals. Secondly, value their opinion and realize that they will be the best person to honestly tell you how a project is going. This is valuable also, and while we eschew being 'yes men', we will put the good of the company first if you gain our trust. Remember that we would never try to hurt your feelings, and assume that if you ask a question that you want an honest answer; if you want your ego stoked, go to someone else. We specialize in honesty and logic, not kissing ass. Third of all, realize that we are vulnerable to being abused and set up by coworkers. Bullying, both intentional and unintentional are a reality for us. If we say we are being bullied, we probably are. Be kind enough to protect us a bit and do NOT allow us to be abused by coworkers. Make it clear to coworkers that we are valuable and to be respected despite being unique. Make it clear that the company needs our unique talents. If we are protected at work, outbursts of frustration and workplace meltdowns are much less likely; they however do happen, and if they do, be understanding and give us a quiet place and possibly a gentle listening voice to calm us down. Last of all, it is extremely rare to find an Aspie that excels at customer service or working in large groups. We thrive however when integrated into a small group where we are respected and are particular expertise is valued.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I believe that many autistic people, especially those that are the highest functioning, find that they have frequent bouts of depression tied to an uncertainty about how to live in a world that is not designed for us. We face discrimination at work, academic environments unsuited for us, and business and social models alien to us. Due to facing these problems, we often achieve much less than we would like to, and find family, friends, and social support groups impatient with us. 

In addition, our strengths are often not well received either socially, politically, or in the work world. One of the most frustrating things I personally deal with is seeing people with less work ethic, intelligence, or dedication promoted into positions that I cannot seem to achieve in the work place despite considerable effort.

For the woman with Asperger's, these effects are even worse; she will often find that she doesn't even fit in at the Asperger's support groups where here colleagues will be mostly male. She finds herself to be a talented yet fragile human that is rarely understood. Add to the feelings of misunderstanding that a male autistic has an even deeper feeling of estrangement, and that from a female that has all the same feelings and depth of emotions that most women have.    

This lack of respect, is a serious cause of anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and feelings that we are not in control of our life. These causes of stress are neither well documented, nor are they understood by our loved ones and so called experts.

In many cases our loved ones and those who are professionals in the field continue to believe that if we "tried harder" and "dressed differently" or learned to get along with people better that we would somehow be successful. What many of these well-meaning people do not understand however, is that they are attacking the very human essence inside of us. As we noted above, the the part of us that is autistic is inseparable from the part of us that is human. Because many people will not grasp this, and continue to treat autism as a disability similar to having an amputated leg, we will continue to be treated as defective humans. The social and emotional impact of the continual pressure to change the very human essence within us is often catastrophic to our ability to lives as confident, happy adults.  

My hope is that by talking about these difficult issues that families, professionals, and the general culture will  better learn to deal with the problem of Asperger's, frustration and ultimately depression.

Beyond Awareness

The last few days I have struggled to try to understand a lot of feelings that have been washing over me. I have felt increasingly frustrated by the lack of understanding about the nature of Asperger's that I see exhibited by the parents of aspie kids and the autism researchers. It seems that we have finally achieved "awareness" about ASD, and I guess that is good. I fear however that awareness is not far enough. It seems that after awareness, acceptance is needed. As I have often said, I don't believe that it is productive to try to cure autism; autism should be celebrated. I am autism... and autism is part of my very person-hood; autism and I are inseparable. Accept autism, and you accept me; reject autism, and you reject me.

I find that people assume that I dislike Asperger's. Actually, I do not mind it... unlike the distractability that I face from ADD, the traits of Asperger's give me far more pleasure than pain.

As I have also discussed, some of us feel that we are pushed by the normal people around us to accept that we have a disease, a disability, and the idea that we need to become more "normal". We feel in this line of thinking that the NT's around us do not grant us full humanity, and that their efforts to make us more normal are efforts to "restore" our humanity. All of this is part of the lack of insight about ASD that frustrates me. I do not understand how many researchers and parents have been around us for decades, and yet still miss basic truths about the very nature of autism.
ASD is really quite simple; it is a condition, not a disease. Asperger's does not kill or maim, it is not progressive, and harms no one. Autism is a difference in thinking, not strictly a disability. When we use the term disabled, we infer that ideally, that disabled "something" should be fixed. When something is part of my very being, my humanity, and you call it a disability, it makes me less human. I resent that some say might dare to say that I, the person Calvin Johnson, need to be fixed. Just as insulting, many parents are convinced that it is a deep hardship and burden to have an aspie kid. I could take you to any number of websites where parents log in to moan and cry about their ASD kids and play the hero for being so noble as to love these unlovely kids. This makes me deeply angry as I realize not only that they misunderstand and don't appreciate their kids, but that they consider me to be a flawed human also. If one is trying to research ASD it becomes painfully obvious that these kind of feelings, that Aspies are somehow "flawed" and need to be cured, are very widespread both among parents and teachers.

The other day I made an educational mistake; I expressed these raw emotions to a group people in a Facebook Asperger's forum. You see, I was sick of seeing parents of Aspie kids misunderstand their kids. It is inconceivable to my curious, analytical, and sometimes robotic mind how anyone who had raised a child with Asperger's to near adulthood or researched it for decades could misunderstand Asperger's unless they didn't want to understand it. Alas, I was wrong, and I should know better. The reaction I got was quick and (for the normally mild-mannered group) quite harsh. I was told by the parents that they felt judged...

I don't want to judge, but I am sick of seeing Aspie young adults treated without respect. Before I vaguely say "I see it all the time," let me show you a few anonymous Facebook posts by young adults asking for help:

"My parents call attention to anything I do that is "strange" even in my own home, like walking funny, or mumbling, etc."

-18 y/o boy

And how about this longer one:

"I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 17. It was my first year of college. I am now 24 and my parents still deny I have Asperger's. My mom, specifically, thinks I am just retarded. She tells me what to wear, what to say, and what to do. When I ask her if she thinks I am retarded she gives me a nod and a look indicating that she does. A few times she said I needed to be put into a hospital because I am not "normal". She also has to point out all of my flaws, which she does practically everyday. "You don't smile enough." "You are so ignorant. you couldn't even say hello?" "Look at them when talking." "Can't you speak more quiet and soft? Your voice is giving me a headache." "You are speaking too fast. You need to learn to speak slower so people can understand you." "Why can't you dress like everyone else?" "No wonder you can't get a job. You can't do anything right." When I tell her how she makes me feel she gets upset, an argument starts, and she claims to be having a heart attack. My dad always takes her side. When I try to remind them I have Asperger's and try to explain it to them my mom is the first to respond. "Don't tell anyone that! Everyone will look at me and feel sorry for me!" I don't know what to do. How do I make them understand and treat me with respect?"

Before you dismiss these cases as uncommon and tell me that these are uncommon cases and that no parent you know would act that way, let me assure you that these are not isolated instances of rogue parents. Among my Aspie friends who are young adults, their parents are often judgmental  critical, and often tell them things like the above post. Many of my Aspie friends that are young adults are hurt frequently by their parents lack of understanding and these continuous negative comments made by family often cause them depression and anxiety. Even one of my family members complained to me that my mannerisms "bothered him and ruined the atmosphere". When I pressed as to what I could change, he grumbled about a few non-specific things and alluded that it was just "something about me". Ya I know... that something is called Asperger's. Sadly, it seems that frequently our own families are unable to accept us. What is sad is that in many of these instances the problem is nothing more than the fact that the NT person does not like the way we do something.

Loneliness is a problem for the person with ASD not simply because I cannot communicate, but because even when I communicate, others frequently cannot relate to what I am saying.

So what is a disability, and why is Asperger's considered one? In a blog, a person with Asperger's who is from New Zealand says "I am endlessly fascinated by the idea that many professors, computer geniuses, mathematicians, teachers and physicists are aspies and yet Aspergers is viewed as a disability. Society says we are other than the norm, but chooses not to use the word difference. The autistic spectrum is a disorder according to the bio-medical model." This blog focuses on the way the author feels that society makes that person with Asperger's feel less human by focusing on disability instead of understanding a difference. I have often wondered what would happen if we called non-musicians  "disabled" in the sense that they have a "sensory deficit" that does not allow them to understand and play music. I could even cite similar reasons to believe that NT's suffer from a disability that makes them illogical and emotional. Of course, this would merely be using a flawed model of disability. To believe that the idea of disability is a better description for autism then neurodiversity and difference, is to ignore reality. Like most Aspies, I even have many areas of skill that are pronounced. Strangely, I think that people tend to believe that these skills are in spite of ASD; in reality, these unique skills are not in spite of ASD, they  are because of ASD.

It is often said that the autistic person has no empathy. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

If their is any aspect of Asperger's that is a disease or a disability, it is the interaction between the autism, and the normal social and cultural environment. In general people with asperger's get along quite well with other adults with Asperger's. It often is a often the inability to find suitable and accepting friends, not an inability to socialize. Read correctly, this means that any disability must be thought of as an interaction, not as a disease. This fundamentally changes our view of Autism.